Day Six Diary - Living in a Homeless Shelter

Friday, 17th April 2009

Sorry for not published this yesterday, again it was another hectic day. It was my sister's boy's 2nd birthday so we went off to High Wycombe for the day.

This was a tough day for me. When my sister and I were growing up I was always the one who was seen as outgoing and everyone expected a lot from me, its awful, but this is how society is and my sister was the shy, interovert and was bullied at school.

Now we are in complete role reversal. My sister has done very well for herself, not academically or anything, but she is comfortable, with a large social network and a very confident person. She has moved away from Waltham Abbey to High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire which has done her the world of good. I am very proud of her and would encourage her to stay in High Wycombe where she is very happy and not come back to Waltham Abbey.

I on the other hand, have very little friends and have lost all my confidence and have trouble with socialising now. Although my preference would not be living in Waltham Abbey, far from it, at this time in my life, unless something changes I feel have no choice. My parents live there and they are a great support to us at the moment, but the problem I have is, my mum is only supportive when you are doing what she wants you to do. Which is not how it should be, I strongly believe that children need to be nurtured and taught the skills for adulthood and when they are old enough they fly the nest and they are more likely to turn to you when they need you and if when they need your support you are there for them irrelevant if it is what you what them to do.

See, my mum will only help us if we live in a very close proximity to her i.e. Sawbridgeworth which is 14 miles from Waltham Abbey is too far. Sadly, when we do tell her we I not going to live where she feels is not in close enough proximity she can be very nasty. I don't like to talk about my mum like this, but, she sends us nasty letters insulting us and throwing things back in our faces, she has even gone as far as sending letters to Steve's work and making threatening phone calls.

This has knocked my self confidence immensely and my sister does not understand how I feel, she feels I am selfish, because mum does so much for us. But even today I still hope that my mum will accept that we need to live our life as we see fit, hence why I am so desperate to get back on our feet and live our own life and not the life my mum wants. When I am in a position to support my family sufficiently if she wants to treat us like that, I will be strong enough to turn my back and if she does not like it, then that is her choice and I can get on with my own life.

The last episode of her behaving like this was in January this year, when we thought with the Council's help we could move back to near Sawbridgeworth. Sawbridgeworth is in another County and is not represented by Epping Forest Council, but there is a tiny part of a town called Sheering, which is classed as Sawbridgeworth, but is represented by our local Council. But again I forgave her and tried to move on, espeically due to our situation, but in all honestly I never really move on, it just scars me a little more each time and tears away at my self confidence.

My confidene is so low that I feel that I have to asked my mum for her approval in what I do, even with my children. Although she never really agrees with what I want and then I feel worst.

This is how my mum lived her life, living round the corner from my nan and she believes family should live near. I don't, I believe we should live our lifes as we want and then you appreciate the family you have.

I had a couple events this morning that meant I disappeared into the toilet because I did not what people to see how upset I was. If I am honest it was jealously, but at the moment I cannot control those feelings no matter how much I try.

The children enjoyed seeing their cousins and had great fun with the other children and we left about 3pm so we could miss the evening traffic on the M25.

It was raining again yesterday and as we were leaving Casey fell over twice hitting his head in the same place twice. He had a bump the size of an egg on his forehead and fell asleep as soon as he calmed down.

On the way home we decided to stop a place called London Colney, which is a junction off of the M25 for some dinner and have the Pharmacy check Casey's head. They advised us to get him checked over by the hospital to be on the safe side, so Taylor stayed at my mum and dad's overnnight because the casualty on a Friday is hectic and you don't know how long you could be.

So on arriving at my mum and dad's I left immediately with Casey to meet Steve and went straight up the hospital. Wasn't at the hospital as long as we thought and Casey was given the all clear and sent home to be monitored overnight.

Because the weather wasn't great yesterday the Shelter is very quiet when we got home, so just went straight in, had a bath and then snuggled up in the bed with Casey and he went to sleep whilst we watched Bones.

Just another boring day!